I’ve never really been afraid of heights. Ever since I was a younger kid, I would always climb trees or go up to the top of roofs. I’m usually the kid who would impress the girls by going down a long, dark hall just to prove that it’s safe. If I saw an opportunity to see something differently, say from a different perspective in terms of height, I would probably take it. It’s fun being different, and taking these risks helped set me apart from other chickens.

As an excuse to keep us busy, today at work we moved the fall pads down from the landing onto where Batman and Robin would jump at the theater. These pads are huge, big enough and cushy enough to jump onto from 30 feet in the air. So using a forklift to relocate them on the ground, we had plenty opportunity to take advantage of using them one last time once we set them down.

I was probably 15-20 feet in the air right above the pad. I slowly walked closer the edge of the roof where I could easily mount myself to jump right onto the pad. But I didn’t. In fact, I started to feel a bit of anxiety after staring down for more than a few seconds. Not a huge amount, but enough for my head to reason with my body from making the jump. Knowing that it was probably not a great way to do this for the first time, we moved it to another location that was 10 feet off the ground. It felt a little safer to me and I knew I could do it. So, climbing up to the edge of that 10 foot platform, I stood there for a few seconds just trying to compose myself to jump.

Compose myself?? For what reason? I mean, come on, when I was 10 years old, I would have died for this opportunity! No thinking involved! I would have jumped right away like a bad habit or something. Yet, the anxiety was there, filling me with doubt. I told myself to shut up and just did it. And it was a nice; a little adrenaline rush.

I didn’t jump correctly, however, and almost knocked the wind out of myself after landing. My mind told me the jump would last half a second. But, the fall lasted just a little longer than I anticipated. You’re supposed to exhale on the way down so that you don’t knock all of your breath out. But, it’s like my mind shuts off right after jumping. This same process happens when I’m riding a water slide at a theme park like Schlitterbaun and when it’s a long slide down. I position my body at the top of the slide, bracing myself for a few seconds on the body slide knowing I’ll be safe at the bottom in the pool. Then I lunge forward. Suddenly, I cannot for the life of me take a normal breath of air. My body panics, and if I think about it, I can only gasp for little amounts of air. It’s almost as if I’m suffocating myself! It’s so weird.

We moved the fall pad yet again to some stairs where I could have easily gone to a higher location to jump on it, but I then decided to not jump on it anymore. In fact, the thought of trying to jump on it again from those heights just paralyzed my fun and I didn’t make any further jumps.

This is somewhat alarming to me and almost makes me uncomfortable. When did it happen that I became someone who was afraid to take a little risk like this? Sure, it could have hurt me but I totally understood how to make the jump so that I wouldn’t injure myself. Yet, my mind was paralyzed with anxiety just moments before I would make the jump.

I find this is such a true feeling in much of my life. I’m scared to take certain risks because I’m scared of the outcome, thinking that it’ll only cause emotional harm rather than joy. Moving out here was a huge risk, but I truly saw it as a very calculated risk that I could easily get out of if I decided to. I knew it was a risk worth taking at the time. But, being here as long as I have, I’ve really not made the progress with job hunting that I would have liked. I haven’t taken as many risks as I should have because of my fears. And trying to find a way to crush these fears doesn’t come very easily.

At the same time, I realize that my desires and dreams keep evolving. I don’t necessarily have completely different desires from those that moved me here, but I’ve definitely picked up other hobbies and formed new goals. I have always wanted to try the music thing, knowing that if I could land a position as a music editor for films, I would probably be okay even if I wasn’t always happy about the hours I was working. It would be something that definitely I would be proud of. But I know that I don’t want to be confined 95% of the year doing the same thing in the same place. And I hope that I can somehow find a way to go out there and live life in other places and amongst other people.

I need to somehow find my “anxiety pill” and just take it, figuratively speaking of course. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t risk myself more often to make something happen, because the only thing I have to lose is the fear itself. Fear shouldn’t control my actions.