Every time I think I know what to expect next, it usually turns out I had no idea at all. I do my best to prepare myself for what’s ahead, but the inevitability of a changing world will no doubt leave me behind many times. And I hate feeling so helpless.

I feel like I’m in such a funk right now, spending 6 days a week doing little of anything to accomplish nothing. Each day/week/month, I try doing something to move forward beyond this post-college purgatory. Finding a first real job but not settling for a corporate disappointment. I want a tomorrow that I will not only enjoy, but that I will always be able to look forward to what comes next even if I have no idea what to expect.

In that past few years, I’ve accomplished a lot to be proud of. I’ve produced a CD, I’ve finished school, I’ve taught myself the art of web design, and I have traveled all over the US visiting places that I’ve always wanted to see. I feel so honored, so lucky having been able to do so many things and look forward to the next adventures in my life that I can accomplish. And yet, these events seem inadequate sometimes.

I am fighting with myself a huge battle that has lasted for many, many years. I don’t want to settle for a typical life, yet I want the stability most middle and upper class people experience throughout their life. I want the freedom from responsibility that I’ve enjoyed for so many years as a dependent, but I want the independence of enjoying my time and freedom. I feel so trapped knowing that I might not be able to resist the call of the workforce that will limit much of my current lifestyle. But I am trying everything I can to resist from this monotony and uniformity. Am I fighting a losing battle?

There are so many things I hope to do, so many places I hope to visit, and so much time ahead of me with which to accomplish these things. I hope I can figure out how to get to these next steps and feel good about my decisions.