Skip to content

resurrection

I think it’s time.

asuh.com has been in limbo long enough.

It might take me more time, but I want to renew my desire to publish here. The social media landscape, while convenient, is filling another medium that gets lost in a void.

It’s been a few years since I’ve written long-form stories and thoughts so this type of free writing will be rusty.

The good thing, however, is that there are new tools and communities out there to help me renew this space.

I also want to give asuh.com more.
A photo gallery.
A portfolio.
A voice.

Let’s see what happens.

shy

I’m shy. I see myself as otherwise but I struggle with being shy on a daily basis. It’s a fight of who I am from who I see myself as. My mind races when I’m not talking and, yet, I don’t offer anything to say when I’m around others. I can barely keep up with my thoughts when my mind is engaged, but choose to keep quiet in unfamiliar settings. I don’t understand why I hold back so often but my body reacts physically, mentally and emotionally to uncomfortable or tense situations with slight anguish. Still, I don’t see myself as being very shy.

(more…)

this month in my life

In no particular order, here are many things I’ve noticed about myself or in general:

  • I’m grinding my teeth a lot. I don’t know whether I’m impatient or anxious. When I’m up against stress, I grind my teeth. It’s been an on off thing I’ve done throughout my life, never as serious as I think it might be now. I think it’s a new habit that I am ready to break. Am I nervous?
  • The last few months since returning from Houston have been less productive than I’d like. I am, however, very proud that I have accomplished what I have. I set out goals a couple of years ago and have been pretty on target for everything I wanted. It was these goals I knew I could accomplish. My moment of truth is quickly approaching.
  • I have forced myself to buy mostly food that requires time and effort to prepare it. It’s a little annoying when I am hungry and want the quick carb fill, but I am determined to eat healthier. I’d much rather get into the habit while I’m not in bad shape than when I’m old and overweight. I need to find a happy medium. Sometimes it’s quite annoying when I can’t even find one thing to snack on that doesn’t require so much effort.
  • I will probably make only 2 more trips this year, most likely being away again for about a month. I want more travel but this is the best I can do right now.
  • Last year, I made a personal commitment to exercise. It began slowly but worked its way into a regular, habitual practice by the beginning of this year. Since then, I’ve quit my job and am now where I was before I started exercising. I have a bicycle and a roommate who will force me to go. I hope to make a better, more practical commitment to exercise. I miss it.
  • Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had a huge indie music kick which has been so refreshing. Sigur Ros is my current obsession.
  • I’m finally a few chapters into Harry Potter book 7. Once again, much longer than I had hoped.
  • If I could afford my own place, I totally would move. I’m kinda ready.
  • it’s very unlikely that I will go internationally bound this year. I was hoping that I could make something happen but there’s just no way for me to afford it right now. That makes me sad.
  • I’ve had a really nice summer full of travel, reconnection, and renewal. I’m winding down on a few last web design projects and in talks to begin some new opportunities. There is a lot waiting for me, a lot I want to do and it’s only the beginning. I need to set my forward momentum at a pace that I have to sprint towards. It’s looking really good from here on out. I haven’t felt this kind of excitement in a while.

one night in hollywood

Last night was my first social night in weeks. I’ve spent the last few weeks staying at home, being frugal and not spending much so that I can save money and use what I do have for the things I enjoy. It’s been a test of my patience and discipline, but it’s what had to be done given my circumstance.

Room 5 sits just above Amalfi on Le Brea. I arrived a few minutes late only to find out his performance didn’t start until 8:30. Already, it being 10 past 8, the room was completely full with every seat taken. But the crowd slowly filled out. By the end of his performance the place was more than overcrowded. Sweat was dripping down my armpits as the temperature rose several degrees. My body is already too hot as it is.

I went to support my friend. I enjoy going to see my friends do what makes them happy. This night did not disappoint. Standing tall and peering over several people, I clung to a column as I watched six guys sing their hearts out. My friend had two solos throughout the performance, but you knew this was only one of many performances. Sadly, his mic was too quiet.

If you’ve never heard a boy band or barbershop quartet, the one thing you are missing out on is voices that harmonize in such a way that it makes your arm hair stand straight up. These six guys had a really exciting stage presence, with beautiful harmony throughout each song.

A thirty-five minute performance ended with a very desired encore. The room, full of the best and worst of hollywood, cheered and shouted for more. This was just one night, everyone knew what they wanted and the following musicians waited their turns to make their impressions.

“They’ve got nothing on you,” texted one guy to his friend. Whoever he was talking to must have been in the game for a while because this group I watched was so on last night.

Following the encore, we preceded downstairs to have drinks. I became my usual self, standing alone, checking my phone for text messages and doing whatever was necessary to look like I wasn’t bored or alone. It wasn’t before too long that I met some mutual friends who were there supporting the same friend I was. So small talk and minutes passed as I waited for our next move.

Red Rock on Sunset is a popular place for drinks. On any given night, you’ll find a typical collection of the west coast attitude; girls who dress to look their finest and guys who arrive for their drinks and sights. I stood around for about thirty minutes waiting on the group to arrive. I felt the need to make sure that I wasn’t alone; ordering a drink when no one I recognized is kinda sad, and I definitely didn’t want to be seen as desperate. However, this was a good night for me. I got several looks from the ladies but did not grow large enough testicles to make any moves.

Several drinks and good conversations later, it was time to call it a night. I’m proud of myself for how much I spent. Even if it wasn’t for parking meters on Sunset, I spent the least I’ve ever spent going out in Hollywood: $1.40 and a few gallons of gas. I paid for not one of my drinks (I had four and a half total). When it comes to living the frugal life in hollywood, it’s all about who you’re with and what you do. It’s not impossible, but it takes a little strategy.

good company makes for good times

the loud music, the crowded spaces, the sweaty gross bodies all moving around, the sticky floors, the dirty and wet bathroom floors, the attitudes, the rejection

I’ve never been much of a fan of dance clubs. I don’t know how to dance without looking stupid. I feel awkward going up to girls who I don’t know. There are so many excuses I can make for why I’ve never gone clubbing very much.

I feel like the one fun person who doesn’t have fun sometimes. I’m all about being with friends, partying and enjoying my company. But I’m often uncomfortable in social situations where I don’t have much control or feel as though I’m not very desirable. And that’s precisely what clubs make me feel like.

I also haven’t been clubbing too often with fellows who are around my age, mostly just my gal friends who are strictly platonic. And being out with platonic lady friends at a club is really just a waste of time since you’re not the focus of their desires.

So why do I put myself in situations where the outcome is usually against my favor? Because I love going out and being social. I love music. I love the lights. I love watching humans and how they interact. I love laughing and smiling and feeling good.

[wow, I didn’t realize Stevie Wonder had so many hits that I know but didn’t realize they were his. Superstition, Sir Duke, I Just Called to Say I Love You…]

Being out and about is essential to me. I need my alone time, where I can have self-reflection and get personal things done but being amongst friends and just taking in the evening is a such a wonderful feeling. I feed off of other people who bring out the best in me, and getting crazy in public is a wonderful way of releasing yourself.

I’m much more of a bar person than a club person. But if I had my choice, I’d probably just stay at home with friends and relax. Low key is nice after a long, busy weekend of social distractions.